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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29473014">Yesterday I died, tomorrow's bleeding</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandom_irregular/pseuds/fandom_irregular'>fandom_irregular</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Shattered [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Evan "Buck" Buckley Needs A Hug, Gen, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 21:47:00</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,770</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29473014</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandom_irregular/pseuds/fandom_irregular</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>“I’ve got the last victim but I’m trapped.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>That’s the last message he manages to send to his team before everything comes crashing down, even literally, like with the walkway he had been standing on a second ago.</em>
</p>
<p>When the 118 responds to a 5-alarm fire, Buck's life hangs in the balance. Speculation on 4x05 "Buck begins"</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Athena Grant, Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Howie "Chimney" Han, Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Maddie Buckley</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Shattered [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2161719</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>135</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Yesterday I died, tomorrow's bleeding</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello again!<br/>The last part of my shattered series, we come to the conclusion of my version of the Buck begins plot.<br/>I hope it make sense and I didn't make too many mistakes, as I kinda rushed to finish it before the episode airs tonight.</p>
<p>Another shout out to my betareader Dream_editor<br/>I recommends having tissues at hand!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I’ve got the last victim but I’m trapped.”</p>
<p>That’s the last message he manages to send to his team before everything comes crashing down, even literally, like with the walkway he had been standing on a second ago.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The five-alarm fire they had responded to had just been the end of the worst days of his life, like a dark, rotten cherry on top of an already rancid cake. Buck huffs, as the image does nothing but worsen the nausea he already feels, the smoke and gas filling the air surrounding him, his oxygen mask long lost in the chaos. He keeps moving, walking away from the nearest danger, trying to get to a more breathable area.</p>
<p>He doesn’t get far.</p>
<p>Another shock of pain rises through his bad leg, an unwelcome but known companion of the last two years, and he bites down the moan of pain that risks escaping his lips, out of habit. He almost chuckles at the absurdity of trying to hide the pain when there is actually no one else around him that would be bothered by it or could even acknowledge it. He still remembers the day that his doctor told him that even if his leg healed, it was going to be more susceptible to pain, particularly if he wanted to continue his career as a firefighter. The look he had given his doctor at the word <em>if</em> had been an answer all on its own.</p>
<p>He pushes against the wall he’s been using as support and moves forward, ignoring the stabs of pain he feels at every step. He just hopes that once he gets out of here, once he gets properly checked out, it won’t require another trip to the hospital.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>“I mean, from what I hear, Evan has spent quite a lot of time in the hospital.”</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Buck violently shakes his head, to physically drive away the sound of his father’s words from his head. He seriously does not need the reminder of how he screwed up even before he could really be conscious of any action, of any decision. How he screwed up just by living, something that Daniel never got to do.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>“That’s Daniel. He died. He was our brother.”</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“SHUT UP!” he screams at the flames, the only audience he has now. He would like to continue, to finally let go of everything he has been feeling, hiding, pushing down since he finally got to find out the family secret.</p>
<p>He can only cough, as smoke and heat burn through him.</p>
<p>He tries to focus on his surroundings, there must be a way out, he must find a way out…</p>
<p>
  <em>Deep breath, Buck.</em>
</p>
<p>But not too deep. He needs to be smart about this. He needs to try to breath in as normally as possible, knowing well that fastened or deeper inhales would mean a faster consume of oxygen.</p>
<p>
  <em>Come on, let’s find a way out of here.</em>
</p>
<p>Almost as if to make fun of him, the building trembles again, a not-so-far-away explosion shaking the walls, and he loses his balance, a flurried uncoordinated mess of limbs plummeting downwards.</p>
<p>He hits the ground hard and for a moment everything stops. He doesn’t feel the heat from the flames, the water from the sprinklers, the pain in his leg.</p>
<p>Everything is dull and unfocused.</p>
<p>For a moment, there is nothing, pure void, a blank canvas in which he can rest. He tells himself it’s only going to be a second.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Is this it?</em>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>The question reverbs in his head, echoing loudly, almost acid on his tongue, shivers in his limbs.</p>
<p>He raises his head from the ground once again, and his eyes fall on the factory worker he was trying to save at the beginning of this mess. When the walkway had fallen, bringing them both down with it, gravity had dropped them to the lower, closed off level. Buck had survived the ordeal with a few more scrapes and bruises, while the other man hadn’t been so lucky.</p>
<p><em>It’s not fair</em> Buck thinks, unaware of the pain forming while tightening of his fists, trembling under the uniform gloves. He had been there, mere inches from him. How was he the one still alive?</p>
<p>His attempts at raising to his feet stop abruptly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Because for a moment, a long, dark moment, he thinks that maybe it would be easier to just stop struggling. To just sit down in the corner of the room, next to the downed walkway and just let the flame take care of the rest. Be done with the everyday fight, the struggle, the pain, the suffering.</p>
<p>The thought drags at him, pulls him down, stops him from getting up.</p>
<p>Is he going to be part of the statistics now? The number of first responders that every day, every year, die in the line of duty?</p>
<p>He’s not sure that his team would appreciate this line of thought, but he knows that there are worse ways to go.</p>
<p>And after everything he tried to do, everything he tried to be…</p>
<p>He had left. Trying to find himself. And every time he thought he had found it, every time he had thought <em>This is it.</em> And still, every time he had been burned, the outcast, the one not belonging, the one nobody cared about.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Is this it?   </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There are many regrets in his life. Not being able to save his sister, losing Christopher in the tsunami, betraying his teammates with the lawsuit, wasting so much time and energy trying to be <em>better</em>, to be <em>enough</em> for his parents.</p>
<p>But his life at the 118 had never been one of those. From the first moment he had stepped into the station and was invited to join them at the dinner table, he knew he had found his place, even with all the mistakes he made along the way.</p>
<p>If only he could say goodbye. That was the only thing he would like to change.</p>
<p>He goes again for his radio, only static filling the air and he muffles back a sob.</p>
<p>What could he even say? <em>Goodbye</em>? How could he say goodbye to the people that made him smile just with the thought of seeing them?</p>
<p>He had thought before how they all looked like a mismatched but happy goup, even during their fights, always with love and care for one another.</p>
<p>And what about Maddie? He is going to leave her with her last memory of him screaming at each other, crying over each other, the pain still so fresh in his mind. Now, he is never going to be able to get over their discussion, to tell her that he understood, that the position she had found herself in had been impossible to deal with from the beginning.</p>
<p>At least he had told her he loved her.</p>
<p>It will have to be enough.</p>
<p>His gaze lingers on the radio on his shoulder, the last link he has with the outside world, the number 118 shining brightly reflecting the flames that surround him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Welcome to the 118, Buck.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>United front?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>You are gonna be alright, kid.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Red velvet. It bleeds when you cut it.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>You did good, Buck.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>You are awfully quiet over there, Buckaroo.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>There is nobody in this world that I trust with my son more than you.</em>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>No. </em>
</p>
<p><em>This is </em>not<em> it.</em></p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>He pushes himself off the ground one more time, the echoes of his friends’ <em>– his family</em>’s – voices loud in his head, lifting him to try again one more time. His hand finds the axe attached to his belt and a plan slowly starts to form in his mind.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>And only once he is finally back into the arms of the people he loves, only then he lets himself fall into the darkness, knowing that they will be there to catch him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>An insistent knock at the door brings him out of his funk. Buck is sitting on his sofa, realizing that the show on TV is not the same he had last been aware of. He shakes his head while trying to get up. He’s so exhausted that he couldn’t even  fall asleep at the TV, wildly aware that he just lost himself in thought and never came out of it. Until the knock.</p>
<p>It’s been a few days since the factory fire and he’s been sent home under the strong recommendation to rest as much as possible. Nothing was broken, just a lot of cuts and bruises.</p>
<p>Buck had thought Bobby was going to have a stroke when he didn’t fight the forced rest. But he had been so tired, his body betraying him, while he almost folded onto himself on the hospital bed. And the fatigue had been his constant companion ever since.</p>
<p>He finally manages to stand upright, breathing in sharply at the aches assaulting him from everywhere at the simple movement.</p>
<p>Another knock at the door, this time demanding.</p>
<p>“I’m coming!”</p>
<p>He seriously hopes it’s not his neighbor, once again needing help to find his cat. Buck was totally not in the mood.</p>
<p>When he opens the door, though, he’s surprised to see his sister, his team, the people he cares most about, standing in the hallway, some of them wearing ridiculous grins that kind of make him wants to run and hide.</p>
<p>“What’s going on?” he cannot refrain himself from asking.</p>
<p>“What, we cannot come and visit our friend who almost died?” Chimney’s voice is void of the usual sarcasm, a different note filling the words. It takes Buck a second to realize that it is worry.</p>
<p>Maddie straight up punches his arm anyway.</p>
<p>“Howie!”</p>
<p>“What? It’s the truth, isn’t it?”</p>
<p>“Too soon, Chim. Too soon.” Even Hen shakes his head at him.</p>
<p>Only then, Buck realizes he’s still standing in the doorway, and rushes to get out of the way, inviting them in.</p>
<p>He smiles at the way everybody gets a hold of him even for a second. Eddie with his usual shoulder check. Chim faking a strong pat to his back. Hen with a kiss to his cheek. Maddie with one of the longest hugs they have ever shared. Even Athena caresses his cheek for a second, and for an instant he asks himself if this is what it feels like to have a loving family. Buck almost starts crying when Bobby finally stands in front of him, an unknown warmth making itself known in his chest, and he quickly – as much as he can – starts moving again, getting away from that feeling, not really knowing how to deal with it. </p>
<p>His movements are still slow, but nobody mentions it when he goes back to sit down, while they start unwrapping and unboxing whatever they had brought with them.</p>
<p>He smiles when he realizes that they are apparently going to cook for him. Specifically for him. Only Bobby has done it before, both at the station and when he was still doing physiotherapy for his leg.</p>
<p>He frowns.</p>
<p>“Shouldn’t you guys be at work?”</p>
<p>Bobby comes closer, settling on the couch next to him, his usual smile oriented towards him, once again.</p>
<p>“We rearranged the shift a bit, so that we could all be here.”</p>
<p>Buck nods, even when he’s not really following. But he has to ask.</p>
<p>“Why?” he hates that his voice trembles, on such an easy question. He worries about the answer, memories of the last few times he had been hurt while in and out of work resurfacing, leading him to a possible painful conclusion.</p>
<p>Something must show up on his face because quickly enough Bobby reaches for him, trying hard to avoid any of the multiple injuries rattling his body.</p>
<p>He doesn’t manage, after all his body is one big bruise at the moment, but Buck appreciates the sentiment.</p>
<p>“We just wanted to check on you. Be here for you.”</p>
<p>Again he nods, swallowing down his doubts and fears, choosing to trust the people in front of him.</p>
<p>“Not just that.” Maddie adds, from somewhere behind him.</p>
<p>He turns and he can see that she is having some trouble carrying something, or better, hiding something behind her back.</p>
<p>He tries to go and help her, but both Bobby and Chim are faster then him, Chim even sending a veiled threat with one look, and he readily falls back, knowing that his sister is in the best hands he can hope for.</p>
<p>“This is for you.”</p>
<p>Suddenly a big package, wrapped in the most colorful paper he has ever seen, is thrust in his hands.</p>
<p>“You got me a gift?”</p>
<p>“Something like that.” she replies, looking anywhere except towards him.</p>
<p><em>She’s nervous </em>he realizes, and he seriously cannot understand why.</p>
<p>That is, until he opens the gift.</p>
<p>It’s a wooden box, not much bigger than a laptop, and right on top of it, four letters are elegantly engraved.</p>
<p>Buck.</p>
<p>He snaps his head towards her, a silent question in his eyes.</p>
<p>She smiles at him, that smile she only reserved for him, whenever he was in need of a hug but couldn’t actually go give it to him.</p>
<p>“I know it’s not the same as… as a baby box from mom and dad” tears form in both Buckley’s eyes  “But I thought…”</p>
<p>“It’s perfect, Maddie” he interrupts, chuckling with her as he still has to see what actually is inside.</p>
<p>And so he does.</p>
<p>The first thing he sees is the pictures. There are so many, of different shapes and uses, like the postcard he sent her the first Christmas he spent as a firefighter.</p>
<p>“It’s just a copy.” she tells him “I keep the real postcard with the important stuff”</p>
<p>And damn, if that sentence doesn’t almost break the dam in his eyes.</p>
<p>“Is that you in a cowboy hat?”</p>
<p>Only when Eddie asks the question aloud, he remembers that him and his siter are not alone.</p>
<p>He blushes, furiously trying to find something to say.</p>
<p>“…Yeah, that’s… that’s me… I helped out at a ranch in Montana for a while, before…”</p>
<p>He stops rummaging through the pictures when he realizes that there’s so much more in there.</p>
<p>There a few cards written by the youngest members of their family, Chris’ chosen colors and style clearly recognizable in the pile. He shoots a quick glance at Eddie, who returns the smile. Then he sees the recipe for French toast, the first ever thing that Bobby had tried to teach him in the kitchen of the 118. the first attempt hadn’t been all that successful, but it had been the beginning of the weekly, if not daily session between the two of them.</p>
<p>“I… I don’t know what to say” he stutters, his own heartbeat drowning almost every other sound, his eyes still captivated by evidence of their love for him.</p>
<p>“Thank you” he manages to mumble out, tears finally rolling down his        cheeks. He does nothing to stop them.</p>
<p>“You are more than welcome” Chimney says, standing in front of him, Buck glancing up at him at the way he talks “I just… I wanted to tell you that… I’m sorry that…”</p>
<p>“There’s nothing to apologize for.” Buck clears his throat, knowing well that he hadn’t been that friendly towards Chim once he had realized that the older firefighter had known about Daniel, about the Buckley family’s secret before him. “I’m the one who should apologize.”</p>
<p>A loud chatter explodes for a few seconds, before Athena manages to bring them all back in check.</p>
<p>“Children…” Buck thinks he can hear her say under breath, but he cannot investigate more, as movements on his left attract his attention.</p>
<p>Hen smiles at him, and he can see through his own tears the smirk that starts growing on her face.</p>
<p>“I mean, I’m sorry we didn’t have a fire truck to steal to come to your rescue…”</p>
<p>And with just that, Buck starts to laugh, barking even louder at the dumbfounded expression he can see on Bobby’s face. After all, they never talked about that particular time in Texas.</p>
<p>“I thought we had agreed never to mention that?” Eddie fake whines beside her,  trying hard to not join in the laughter.</p>
<p>It’s only the first of the many stories that they talk through for the rest of the afternoon, with everybody joining in and disagreeing on the order of certain events, Chim almost starting a pillow fight when the story of his nickname comes up again.</p>
<p>And Buck finally smiles, restlessness leaving his body, chased away by the warmth and care of his family.</p>
<p>Because this is what he has.</p>
<p>Family.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So... what did you think?<br/>Hopefully I didn't upset anybody...<br/>I tried once again to not go into much details, not to diverg too much from canon.<br/>I guess we'll have to wait and see!</p>
<p>As always, comments and reviews are welcome!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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